Last night I was kneeling at the bed and my wife asked how I was doing?
"Okay," I said. "I'm still trying to get to a place where I can eat more regular portions instead of a huge dinner. I've been doing okay during the week at work, eating my lunches."
"Just not on the weekend," she added.
"That's right, I'm not doing that yet." I looked at her, sitting on our bed, then back down at the sheets. I ran my fingers through my hair, which I tend to do during these conversations, and spoke to the sheets. "Yea, I guess I just want to make sure I'm hungry for dinner to be able to eat with you and Beth. I love eating dinner with you guys."
"Couldn't you just eat a smaller lunch?" she asked.
That was part of our talk last night. It involved no tears. No raised voices. Calm, even discourse. It was not always this way. Just the opposite, my wife and I almost separated. I believe the root of that possible tragedy was my eating disorder. We did not separate. My wife is a strong, loyal, and very faithful woman.
For the past few months I've been on an off-cycle of recovery. I really wanted to hold on to my anorexia and it's comfortable habits. I even wanted to hold onto the ancillary habits that come with it. I accepted the collateral damage. And there was more damage--to mind, body, soul, job, extracurricular life, family, and overall welfare.
I'm back on. People say an eating disorder can be a lifelong battle. So far I believe them. But my wife overcame an eating disorder. She is proof of healthy recovery. And I have many times forgotten she struggled with one. Which goes to show time can heal. I don't believe in full recovery, but I hope for it. There's a well-known scripture found in the doctrines of my faith, as written by a prophet of God named Alma:
"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than adesire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."
I have a desire to believe.
It's hard being a guy with an eating disorder. I know I'm not alone. I want to send out my thoughts as they come as a way to carry on dialgoue. We're all in this fight together. We can be a Band of Brothers (No, I'm not a Shakespeare aficionado but he does put fire in the bones) that can help each other out. Who knows if it's a life-long fight. The important thing is to keep fighting. Please, share your thoughts on the comments section. Add insight. Give out helpful advice. What strategies have helped?
Most important, share success stories. Remember that scene in Apollo 13 when Ed Harris asks, "What do we have on the spacecraft that's good?" I love the question. He wants to start with what we have that's good and work from there. Our sails may be torn, we may be leaking water through the hull, and there could be a fire in midship. Let's grab buckets, nails, thread, needles, and get to work...
My question this week involved sharing, or not sharing your experience. I have included my family on my struggle. But I still lie to them. I don't quite yet want to let go of the security of my eating disorders. It is an addiction. It penetrates my daily life. But I have a desire to believe, to overcome...
